


Reflections of the Mind and Heart

by shimmer_writer



Series: Shae Anderson X Erik Killmonger [3]
Category: Black Panther (2018), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-01
Updated: 2019-01-25
Packaged: 2019-08-14 04:59:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16486364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shimmer_writer/pseuds/shimmer_writer
Summary: This is just a collection of drabbles from my universe that I created in my Breaking Boundaries and Breaking Wall Series. Mostly from Erik and other character's POV instead of Shae's.





	1. Night Terrors

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place during the year after the events of Breaking Boundaries and before Breakthrough. This first drabble is titled "Night Terrors."

**Night Terrors** ****

 

The cutting sensation brought him to awareness, the sealed wound in his chest tearing at the seams. Then there was chilling cold, sinking into his bones and digging deep into his heart.

Erik was dying again. That had to be it –death was too familiar of an acquaintance for him not to know. Besides, the body had a way of remembering wounds and imprinting them on you – no matter how much you wanted to forget the shit. It wasn’t suffocating, but it hurt like hell and he wanted to be free of it.

All he could see was darkness and the pain of his rapid heartrate was the only indication that he was, in fact, still alive. But each pump of his heart forced a rip of agony through his body and he gritted his teeth against it.

 _Shit._  

“My son.”

Erik turned his head, his eyes suddenly finding the lone figure that sat not too far from him. His father’s calm face regarded him, legs crossed and arms resting along his knees. He was wearing the same outfit Erik had found him in when he died, the panther’s claw wounds still weeping slightly. Seeing the dark stains on his father’s shirt had another wave of pain crashing through him.

“Baba?”

It was a timid question and Erik felt as if he were a child again. He was in so much pain and his father was just right there….

“You are always struggling, my son,” his father said, dark eyes watching. “Are you not tired?”

_“Erik, wake up!”_

There was something that was in the back of his mind, something that called to him, but he couldn’t focus on it. Everything hurt too much.

“I’m not…”

His words devolved into a ragged gasp and it felt like his heart was going to beat right out of the opening in his chest. Erik tried to bring his hand up but found that he couldn’t move any of his limbs. And all the while, his father continued to watch him, eyes hidden behind shadows.

“There will always be pain,” N’Jobu said quietly. “ And you will always be fighting.”

N’Jobu gestured to the wound in his chest with a wave of his hand. The gesture was almost dismissive and his father shook his head.

_“Erik, babe, just wake up!”_

“You were close to coming home,” N’Jobu said lightly. “So close to being free of all of this.”

Breathing was excruciating, and Erik’s words came out through gritted teeth.

“I…tried…” he hissed. “Not…my… fault…”

“Hmm,” N’Jobu mused. “Yes, my nephew is as stubborn as my brother.”

“ _Erik!”_

N’Jobu reached a hand forward and placed it over the wound in his heart. Erik’s relief was short-lived, as his father pressed his hand down, the pressure making him choke. N’Jobu watched him struggle, seemingly unbothered by Erik’s throes of pain.

“And yet,” his father murmured. “You stopped trying.”

His father’s fingers were digging into his chest and Erik felt him wrap his hand around his pounding heart.

“It seems I am the one who is forgotten now, my son,” his father said. “You no longer wish to join me?”

N’Jobu’s hand closed, but it was the shock of his father’s words that caused his body to move. The shock was strong enough that he was finally able to wake, the phantom pain still resonating through his body.

His body was covered in a thin layer of sweat and he greedily sucked in large gulps of air.

“It’s ok, you’re ok. You’re safe.”

Shae’s voice made it easier for him to focus, her hand stroking gently through his dreads, attempting to soothe him. Erik blinked slowly, his eyes adjusting to the darkness of their bedroom, as he willed his heart to slow.

“Hey, babe,” Shae said softly. “Um…could you let go?”

It was the pain in her voice that had him snapping his gaze towards her, his brows furrowed.

“What?”

She tugged weakly with one arm and his eyes traveled down to where he had a vice grip on her wrist. He hadn’t even realized he had a hold on her, as the physical sensations were coming back to him slowly.

“Shit,” he said and immediately dropped her wrist. “My bad, princess.” 

“It’s ok,” she said, her tone attempting to be light. “Are you ok?”

Even with the heat of the room, the chilling cold wasn’t willing to leave his body. The memories of the dream were too fresh…it felt like death was still there for him in the darkness, waiting.

Erik turned to face Shae more fully, taking in the worried crease of her brows, her brown eyes blinking as she gazed at him. The relief of seeing her, of feeling her warmth next to him gave him something to focus his mind on.

He reached for her, pulling her into his arms and settling her in his lap.

“Erik…”

He crushed his lips to hers, silencing whatever worried concerns were likely to spill from her lips. He knew it would buy him some time, that she was too stubborn to let it go, but for now….

“Erik,” Shae said and squirmed in his lap. “Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it?”

“Nah,” he said, his hands cupping the curves of her ass. He was drowning in her smell and would rather focus on the woman in his arms that the complication of his dreams.

“But…”

Her words trailed into a gasp as he bit into the swell of her breast and ground against her. He smirked, knowing he had her, her arousal a pleasant, familiar scent. He was hard and ready for her and he dipped his fingers lower, intent on shifting her focus. Her arms wrapped around his neck and he tilted his head up. Shae’s eyes searched his own, but he captured her lips instead of answering the question in them. He swept his tongue across the full lips and they parted for him. His tongue slid along her own and she moaned into his mouth as his fingers tuned her, skillfully remembering what made her twitch. He drew away from the kiss and let his lips roam along the column of her neck, sinking deeper into the pleasure and intimacy of the moment.

Shae winced suddenly and he paused, pulling his head back. Pain had flickered across her face and she wasn’t quick enough to hide it from him.

“What?” he demanded.

“N-nothing,” she said.

She tried kissing him, but he slid his hands to her upper arms, stopping her.

“What is it, Shae?”

She bit her lip and he knew that whatever it was, she was worried how he’d react. He gave her a stern look and she ducked her head. 

“Shae.”

She pulled away slightly, her arms pulling from around his shoulders. She was trying to be subtle about cradling her wrist close to her and he searched her face.

“It…just hurts a little.”

His eyes went down to the wrist and he immediately noticed the swelling.

_Fuck._

“I hurt you.”

It wasn’t a question, but she shook her hand and waved her free hand dismissively.

“I’m fine,” she said and searched his face. “I’m more worried about you.”

Of course she was.

_Typical Shae._

Erik sucked his teeth and reached for her wrist.

“No, I’m…”

He shot her a look and she quieted immediately. He stroked his fingers gently along the heated skin, his stomach clenching.

“Flex your fingers,” he said and she obeyed. “Aight, now rotate it.”

Shae tried, but a small noise escaped her. His jaw flexed and he felt the darkness creep up, a nagging sense in his mind.

_I did this to her._

“It’s sprained,” he said and took a deep breath. “I’m sorry, Shae.”

There was a pause as she just blinked at him and then quirked her lips.

“Oh,” she said lightly. “If you’re apologizing the dream must have been really bad.”

Erik said nothing, but gently moved her out of his lap. He didn’t bother pulling on his black sweatpants and padded towards the door.

“Where are you going?” she asked, watching him.

“Ice,” he said gruffly.

Shae drew her knees to her chest, tugging the sheets up with her. She didn’t say anything, but the look on her face gave him pause. Erik knew she was likely feeling guilty, though she had no reason to. He wanted to comfort her, tell her it wasn’t her fault, but the darkness was growing, and he felt the tension in his muscles.

“Stay here,” he said instead and left the room.

_____________

Shae watched him closely when he returned and tended to her injury. He passed her two ibuprofen and a glass of water, and as she took them he pressed the cold compress to the swelling of her wrist.

The hard knot was still in his stomach and his body refused to relax.

“At least it’s not my writing hand,” Shae said lightly. “I mean, I’m not ambidextrous like you, so that would’ve sucked.”

A muscle in his jaw twitched but he said nothing. He kept her wrist in his hands, cradling it gently, and could feel the darkness settle into his mind.

This was his fault. He had lost control and had hurt the one person he cared for the most. His night terrors had been few since they had moved in together, something he had associated with Shae being in his bed. Her presence was a comfort, his love for her keeping the darkest nights at bay. He had sworn to himself he’d protect her and yet…

_She’s not safe from you._

He could’ve broken her wrist. Or, if he had been expressively violent, he could have done much worse. His body reacted on instinct and if she had tried waking him and he hadn’t in time…

“I want to try that new ice cream place tomorrow.”

The random words caught Erik’s attention and he lifted his gaze to stare at her.

“What?”

“That new ice cream place?” Shae prompted. “I think they make the ice cream using liquid nitrogen or something.”

Shae waved her free hand lightly and leaned against him.

“Then again, I’m a little wary about that. I mean, I know there’s a science behind it, but I don’t know, ingesting chemicals is kind of risky, right? But I think they have regular ice cream that’s pretty good too.”

Erik inhaled through his nose and let his hand stroke along her shoulders.

“There’s also a froyo place and that’s probably healthier,” she continued on. “I’m not a huge ice cream fan so I’d be down for either one. We could go during lunch break. Oh! Maybe if they’re good, we can ask them if they’d like to cater to the spring social…”

He listened to her absently as she continued, her good hand resting lightly along his thigh. He propped his chin on the top of her head, the satin of her bonnet rubbing lightly against his cheek.

“I think Alana’s warming up to me, so we could take her with us and maybe a few of the other kids…Oh, but I wonder if we’d have to get their parents to sign forms?”

Erik breathed in her scent as he let his nose drag down the back of her neck. He wrapped a brawny arm loosely around her stomach and inhaled deeply, calming himself in the smell of her. It was a mixture of her shea butter and brown sugar scrub she had used earlier that night.

“It shouldn’t be too much of a hassle, I think. I mean, the place isn’t too far from the Centers and we could basically walk there. Maybe I can ask….”

He pressed his lips to the back of her shoulder, his fingers kneading lightly at her hip. Her wrist was resting in her lap and he drew his other hand along her upper arm.

“It was about my pops.”

His words quieted her and he could feel her holding her breath. He closed his eyes and smiled slightly, amusement flickering at her reaction. Shae was always eager to listen to him, always wanting him to share with her.

“I was…dying again,” he said slowly and took a deep breath. “And my pops was there.”

Neither of them spoke and Erik continued breathing deeply, pulling her closer to him.

“Wasn’t too happy with me, I think,” he muttered. “I…shit, he wanted me to die with him.”

“That wasn’t your father.”

The firmness in her words had him lifting his head and Shae shifted, readjusting so she could face him. She was sitting sideways in his lap now, the sheets laying forgotten around them. Her eyes held him as he gazed at her, determination clear in them.

“You’ve told me stories about your dad,” she said and reached up her good hand to cup his face. “He would never want you to choose death over life.”

Erik said nothing but tilted his head to press his lips to the palm of her hand. She smiled, understanding the silent meaning.

“Besides,” she said softly. “I’m a bit selfish, I guess. You’re not allowed to die, got it? You don’t get to leave me alone.”

Erik nuzzled his face into her hand, his lips curling into a small smirk.

“You giving orders, baby girl?” he teased and reached his hand up to cover her own.

“For this I am,” Shae said seriously. “Erik your life is worth so much, even if it doesn’t seem like it. And it’s not because of what you’ve done or what you’ve made up for. It’s just because you’re you.”

He couldn’t say anything to that and she stroked her hand down his chest. It rested over his heart, and she pressed her hand gently, feeling his heartbeat under her palm.

“I think,” she said softly. “That sometimes we try so much to run from our shadows instead of listening to what they may have for us.”

Erik stayed silent and she shifted to rest her head on his shoulder.

“I know you’re not a talker,” she teased gently. “But you don’t have to go into those shadows alone anymore. And if you...if you want to talk to me about it, you can.”

A shudder of relief went through him and he wrapped his arms around her. It was still a foreign feeling to him, knowing that Shae truly meant every word she said to him. He knew she loved him, knew when she had let him back into her life. She cared so fucking much about everything, willingly giving her heart to those who she felt needed it.

 

It terrified him that she gave it to him as well.

Erik drew her back with him, resting against the bed and allowing her to move so she laid  against him. They were careful to keep her injured wrist out of the way and she tucked her head under his chin. He drew the sheets around them and let his hands rest lightly against her waist.

Only the sound of soft breathing and rain pattering against the windowpanes filled the room as Erik stared up at the ceiling, soothed by the feeling of her in his arms.

“Sometimes it feels too fucking easy,” he said suddenly.

There was a pause and then Shae began tracing a small pattern along the keloid scars of his chest.

“What is?”

“All of this,” he muttered. “I had to fight for so long and then....”

He grimaced and shook his head.

“Do you wish T’Challa had let you die?”

“Yes.”

She tensed in his arms and he rubbed a hand soothingly down her back. He continued the motions but he could sense her stillness, her hurt.

“No,” he amended finally. “Not anymore.”

Shae stayed quiet and kept stroking her patterns along his skin.

“I just keep thinking about my pops...how he died and shit,” Erik continued on. “He...shit, Shae, all I know how to do is fight and....”

“Everything doesn’t have to be a fight, Erik,” she interrupted gently. “Your dad wouldn’t love you any less if you managed to find peace in this world. You have to _know_ that.”

Erik closed his eyes and drew in a deep breath. In moments like these, he remembered why Shae was so good at what she did. She was getting better at guessing the things he couldn’t or wouldn’t say. It made it easer some days.

Shae shifted up, moving so she could face him directly. She rested on her side and stroked her fingers down his cheek gently.

“You deserve happiness, just like the rest of us,” she said and stroked her fingers lightly through his beard. “Don’t try to convince yourself otherwise.”

He let his eyes drift to her injured wrist, but she nudged his chin with her hand.

“I’m fine,” she said firmly. “Don’t beat yourself up about it.”

Erik stared at her for a second before shaking his head and turning his head to the ceiling again.

 _She’s not safe with you_.

Erik found himself scowling at the ceiling, the darkness still lurking, waiting for his guard to drop. Shae sighed suddenly and pressed a kiss to his collarbone.

“Erik,” she said gently. “Don’t. I’m right here.”

Her kisses trailed up his neck, spreading warmth and pleasure wherever her lips pressed against his skin. The darkened thoughts wavered as she drew closer, her hands stroking along his chest and down his stomach.

“I’m not going anywhere,” she continued and pressed her lips lightly under his jaw. “And I’m not afraid of you.”

She should be. She should...

“You can be happy or sad or whatever you want,” she said, cupping his face. “And I’ll be right here when you come back to yourself, ok?”

He had always marveled at her determination. Shae stood by his side, even with knowing all his secrets, knowing the darkness that still lingered in his heart.

And all she wanted was for him to be happy or whatever he felt that might be.

_Being with her._

Erik had learned that his loneliness was eased not because she was around him all the time, but because Shae let him be, in whatever way he needed. She just let him be. And the peace he got from that was more than he knew she would understand.

“Yeah,” he said, knowing the emotion made his throat sound rough. “I know, princess.”

Shae’s bright smile made the ache in his heart ease and he drew her in for a deep kiss. He rolled them over, handling her gently as he lost himself in her. It was easier this way sometimes, showing her with his body how much he loved her. Every moan, every gasp of pleasure, every kiss spurred him on, eased the darkness from his mind and his heart.

The shadows were still there, and yet, Erik found that he had more strength than he did before to meet them.

At least this time he wasn’t alone.


	2. Family Help

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erik doesn't like asking for help, but sometimes, you gotta do what you gotta do.

 

Most people struggled with the ability to ask people for help. There’s just something about the vulnerability of going to someone and admitting that you need them. It almost felt like an admittance of weakness, in some cases. But as hard as it is to ask for help, it can be even harder when people refused to give it.

 

Granted, Erik knew that T’Challa was on some charitable shit and if he needed something, his cousin would do his best to give it to him. Within reason, of course.

 

It was just taking more nerve than Erik dare to admit to ask his cousin for help with this particular problem. Erik was independent, intelligent and a strategist in his own right. He was resourceful and knew how to utilize the tools available to him. He didn’t ask for help – he traded one favor for another.

 

But Erik also knew when he was out of his depth.

 

“Ay, T, you got a sec?”

 

T’Challa looked up from his office desk, a curious look in his eyes at the halting question from his usually straightforward cousin. He waved a hand, closing a hologram screen, and then motioned to the open chair in front of his desk. Erik slid into the seat and leaned forward, his elbows resting on his knees.

 

“Aight, look,” Erik said, giving T’Challa a hard stare. “Before you say shit, just hear me out.”

 

T’Challa linked his fingers together and leaned back in his seat, a small smile the only indication that he understood his cousin’s demand.

 

“Been thinking about it for a while,” Erik said, meeting the King’s gaze steadily. “Gonna keep out of the field after this.”

 

Erik’s brows furrowed, and his gaze drifted to a mask that decorated the wall behind T’Challa’s head. T’Challa stayed silent, used to the long pauses whenever Erik seemed to be formulating what he was willing to say and what he wasn’t.

 

“This mission might last longer, but after this…” Erik shook his head and let his gaze drift back to meet T’Challa’s gaze. “I’m going to stay in Oakland. Focus on the Centers more.”

 

“May I ask why?” T’Challa asked. “Your help has been invaluable with our concerns here.”

 

Erik eyed him and T’Challa had to withhold his smirk, realizing that he hadn’t been given permission to speak. His cousin’s lack of deference towards him was aggravating at sometimes and amusing at others. It was much more amusing now because T’Challa was aware that Erik was nervous.

 

And whatever made Erik nervous made T’Challa curious.

 

“I can still handle some of the shit ya’ll dealing with,” Erik said. “But I ain’t…”

 

Erik trailed off and shook his head, while rubbing a hand through his dreads. His nervous behavior was interesting to witness and T’Challa had to restrain himself from asking another question. Erik took a deep breath and squared his focus on T’Challa again.

 

“I’m gonna ask Shae to marry me.”

 

T’Challa kept his face calmly blank and the lack of reaction made Erik’s eyes narrow.

 

“Nigga, you hear me?” he snapped.

 

“Yes,” T’Challa said dryly. “I am unsure as to what you would deem an appropriate response.”

 

It was a calculated answer and Erik kissed his teeth and leaned back in his seat.

  
“Shit, nigga, I don’t know,” Erik muttered, scowling at him. “Just keep it real with me.”

 

T’Challa studied him for a moment and when Erik’s eyes narrowed, he unlinked his fingers and rested his arms on his desk.

 

“N’Jadaka,” he said. “If there is something you wish of me, you only need to ask.”

 

Erik’s foot was tapping rapidly against the floor and crossed his arms. T’Challa waited patiently as Erik just glared at him, though he knew the expression was hiding whatever rapids thoughts were going through the other man’s brain.

 

“She likes you,” Erik said begrudgingly. “I mean…she respects you and shit.”

 

“Yes,” T’Challa conceded carefully. “If you are concerned about her intentions, she has never….”  


“Yeah, nigga, I know,” Erik interrupted him quickly. “Shit gets on my nerves but I know she don’t mean nothing more by it.”

 

T’Challa simply gazed at him and Erik felt his brow twitch.

  
Shit, he might as well just get it over with.

 

“Fuck, do you…. can you figure out how she’d…. or what she’d…..”

 

T’Challa raised a brow as the source of his cousin’s frustration became apparent.

 

“N’Jadaka,” T’Challa interrupted. “If you are concerned that she will reject your proposal, there is no need.”

 

Erik grew still and T’Challa knew his assumption had been correct.

 

“And as far as your status as the Royal Prince of Wakanda, well, marrying an outsider would be the least controversial thing you’ve done since arriving here. In fact, I think Shae would do well with her duties as Princess, if she were to accept and become your bride.”

 

Erik groaned suddenly and slid his hands through his dreads at T’Challa’s words.

 

“Fuck,” he snarled. “I forgot about that shit.”

 

T’Challa inclined his head and gave his cousin a mild look.

 

“I am assuming that neither of you have ever given much consideration to marriage?” he prompted. “Or what that would mean to your role as Prince?”  

 

“The fuck you think, nigga?” Erik growled at him.

 

Ignoring the frustrated fury in his voice, T’Challa lifted his bracelet and pressed a bead. It buzzed two times before a holographic screen of Queen Mother Ramonda appeared on the screen. Her eyes were light with curiosity, but she smiled at the sight of her son.

 

“Yes, my son?” she asked.

 

T’Challa almost laughed at the panicked look that nearly overtook his cousin’s face.

 

“The fuck you call her for?” Erik demanded, glaring at him.

 

“Mother,” T’Challa said, ignoring him. “N’Jadaka has plans to propose to Shae….”

 

“Nigga, this is the last time I ever….”

 

“And there are some concerns for what that means for her when she becomes Princess….”

 

“Ya’ll don’t know shit about keeping things to your fucking self….”

 

“Oh,” Ramonda said, who had clearly become just as much an expert at ignoring Erik as her son, “that is wonderful news!”

 

Her words finally stopped the venomous stream that came from Erik and he frowned.

 

“What?”

 

“Well of course,” Ramonda said, meeting his gaze. “I have heard much about Shae and though I would still like to meet her before you make any proper proposal, I think she would do well for you.”

 

“How you figure?” Erik demanded.

 

T’Challa quietly observed, noting that there was more than just anger in his cousin’s voice. N’Jadaka seemed to genuinely want to know the Queen Mother’s insight.

 

“It has become apparent the progress you have made since your return to America,” Ramonda responded. “If your relationship with Shae is a factor in this growth, it can only be prudent to assume that she is one who has helped you foster such growth. It would only make sense that you would want her to be your wife. In fact, isn’t she working at the Centers now?”

  
“Yeah.”

 

“And I’ve seen the reports from what’s been done and the accomplishments made,” Ramonda continued. “From what I’ve read she seems to be very passionate about her work. That’s admirable. A good trait for a Princess of Wakanda.”

 

Erik stared at Ramonda, frowning slightly. She simply lifted a brow at his expression.

 

“Have you considered a ring for her?” she asked.

 

“I’ve been looking at some,” he admitted.

 

“Hmm,” she mused. “Well, if you are looking for input, I’d suggest morganite. It’s a stone of Divine love and will bring peace and joy to your relationship. I assure you, that is something that every marriage will need, especially during tumultuous times.”

 

T’Challa made a mental note to return to his mother when he began considering his own nuptials. Granted, his wedding would be much more involved and his bride was…. well, there was a time for everything.

  
Erik listened intently even as his scowl remained in place.

 

“I’d also suggest gold-washed vibranium for the mounting of the ring. It’ll pair well with the colors of the morganite and will add your…flashier touch to it than the traditional vibranium color.”

  
“What, you a fucking jeweler now?” Erik muttered.

 

“I have taste, *mntakwabo,” Ramonda sniffed. “And these are merely suggestions, you do not have to take them.”

 

Erik grunted and T’Challa smiled, smoothly stifling a snicker when Erik shot him a look.

 

“When do you intend to bring her to Wakanda?” Ramonda asked. “She will need to start her training as Princess to be, especially if you intend on proposing soon.”

 

Erik slumped in his seat and stared up at the ceiling, one hand buried in his dreads again.

 

“Fuck,” he muttered.

 

“Thank you, mother,” T’Challa said, sensing his cousin’s distress, “I will see you for dinner.”

 

“All right,” Ramonda said, frowning at Erik’s form. “I expect to see you as well, N’Jadaka.”

 

“Aight.”

 

With a wave, T’Challa shut down the communication and studied his cousin. Neither man spoke for a moment and T’Challa had to marvel at the circumstances.

 

“N’Jadaka,” T’Challa said after another moment. “This does not have to happen all at once. You can ease her into it.”

 

“What if ain’t the life she wants, T?”

 

T’Challa never thought he’d see the day where his cousin was so ruffled. But T’Challa had learned that if N’Jadaka had one weakness, it was Shae Anderson. And the fact that he was expressing such quiet vulnerability to him, T’Challa knew, without a doubt, that his cousin truly loved her.

 

“Surely you would not let such a thing stop you,” T’Challa remarked. “And neither will she. You two will make it work.”

 

Erik shifted so he could meet his gaze, his hand dropping to settle in his lap. T’Challa propped his head in his hand and raised a brow.

 

“Besides, I am King,” T’Challa remarked. “If I wish it, I can allow that she does not have to assume her duties until you both are comfortable.”

 

Erik straightened then, his eyes searching T’Challa’s face eagerly.

 

“Yo, you for real?” he demanded.

 

“Mother will understand. For a time at least. And the elders,” he said and shrugged. “Well, that is another matter.”

 

Erik snorted and crossed his arms. T’Challa grinned, understanding his silent meaning. Yes, the elders would always find something to be displeased about. It was just the nature of things these days.

 

“And as for your desire to stay in Oakland,” T’Challa said. “That would be enough of a reason to postpone any formal training on her part. Even then, she would still be helping fulfill duties to Wakanda, even in an indirect way.”

 

Erik was relaxing now and there was a hint of determination in his eyes.

 

“But you will have to return to Wakanda at some point,” T’Challa warned him. “At least for a longer period of time and especially if you were to have heirs.”

 

Erik paused, but his expression didn’t waver this time. Instead, he almost looked thoughtful as he gazed back at T’Challa.

 

“It’s something,” he mused. “But I never thought of having kids. Not with the shit that was going on in my life.”

 

Erik’s eyes looked past T’Challa, gazing out the window to the distant scenery.

 

“They’d be able to have more than I ever did. What my pops always promised me I’d have and not have to fight to get it either.”

 

T’Challa said nothing and remained as still as possible. N’Jadaka was giving him a glimpse into something he’d rarely seen and T’Challa was eager to not miss this moment. The opportunity for his cousin to express his thoughts so openly was something that T’Challa was always willing to explore.

 

“Shae’s good with those kids at the Center,” Erik continued absently. “She loves it. All patient and shit, giving advice, letting them come to her when they need someone.”

 

T’Challa couldn’t help himself and asked “Have you discussed having children with her?”

 

Erik blinked before refocusing his gaze on T’Challa.

 

“Nah,” he said, crossing his arms. “Shit, nigga, we’ve barely talked about marriage.”

 

He was closing down again, his face sliding back into the scowl that hid his inner thoughts. T’Challa sighed and straightened, aware that the moment had passed.

 

“Well, there will come a proper time for such a discussion,” he said. “For now though, it’d be best to handle our current crisis. Then, you’ll have all the time you need to have such talks with her.”

 

“Yeah,” Erik admitted. “How long this supposed to take again?”

 

T’Challa had pulled up a screen, skimming through the data from security logs.

 

“Tracking down the group that attacked last week has appeared to be more difficult than we are aware of,” he said. “We will need to work covertly for this for a time. Perhaps a month or so. They are new, but they appear to be better at covering their tracks.”

 

“Damn,” Erik muttered. “Shae ain’t gonna like that.”

 

T’Challa watched as he rose from his seat, his hands sliding into his hoodie pockets. Apparently, N’Jadaka had gotten what he wanted from him.

 

Erik turned to give him a look, hesitating before speaking.

 

“Thanks, T,” he said and it sounded the sincerest T’Challa had heard in a while. “I owe you one.”

 

“No need,” T’Challa said, waving a hand.

 

“Nah,” Erik insisted. “I mean it.”

 

T’Challa gazed at him for a moment and then nodded in understanding. Satisfied, Erik left the room, letting the door slid smoothly shut behind him.

 

Asking for help may be difficult; but Erik knew that owing T’Challa a favor, despite all his irritations and disagreements, wasn’t as bad. The novelty of having these types of relationships was coming to the understanding that, people, well…. T’Challa at least, wouldn’t take advantage of it.

 

Maybe the nigga’s talk about being loyal to family wasn’t all talk. And at the very least, Erik was beginning to believe that if….no, when, he and Shae had kids, there’d be a King that would actually be loyal to them. That would accept them as part of the royal family and not some throwaways.

 

And maybe one day, Erik would tell T’Challa what that truly meant to him. One day. But for now, the favor would have to do.

 

 

 

__________________________

 

*mntakwabo – nephew


	3. Twisted Desires and True Intentions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erik doesn't have a problem with temptation.

**Twisted Desires and True Intentions**

Erik Stevens was well aware of the effect he had on women. From the time girls started smiling and passing him notes in high school; to when he was in college and able to flirt away a number without breaking a sweat, Erik grew to understand that with enough charm and persistence he could bed any woman he wanted.

He would be lying to himself to say that Shae wasn’t any different. Sure, he had sensed her desire for him, even when she was struggling to pretend like she didn’t have any. It had been amusing, if not a bit frustrating, in those first days when she’d get flustered and acted like his advances meant nothing to her.

But the thing was, Shae always saw him as more than someone she desired. She was wary at first, then friendly, then downright open about having a friendship with him. Her desire for him never wavered, but neither had her determination of becoming his friend. Erik had purposely antagonized her, teased her, pissed her off and still she had stayed firm about letting him in. It had been an unsettling experience. There had been others who had tried to attempt at something more with him but had immediately given up when he threw up his walls. Erik knew what he wanted and also had no problem with saying what he didn’t. He had never been looking for a relationship and had made that known to anyone who attempted at something more.

Shae though…shit she was something else. She hadn’t given in. She had wavered a few times, but her genuine desire at trying to _know_ him and understand him had outweighed her desire in having something physical with him. In a sense, it had made him realized how much he had allowed himself to be used as he had used other women. Perhaps it’s why it had been so easy for him to tell himself she wasn’t worth it. Why it would be easy for him to forget about her when his plans for Wakanda had gotten serious.

But when Erik had been in that cell, his mind brooding over anyone who had ever treated him as more than what he presented, it had always gone back to Shae. She had been the only one who had given him a feeling of what it was like to be more than just wanted. Not just for sex, or violence, or money. Just him. And Erik had wanted more of that; hadn’t realized how much he craved the feeling of belonging until he experienced it for the first time. At least not since his pops had died.

And when he returned for her, Shae had been hurt and hesitant, all emotions he had at least expected. But she was still open. She had forgiven him and had fallen into her earlier routine of prying information out of him as best as she could. Not to use against him; but because she wanted to connect with him and was genuinely happy when he shared with her.

Erik had been working through some shit at the time, but damn that had felt good. Knowing that whatever he gave her, gave her joy simply because it was about him. It made him feel patient enough that he had been able to handle his own desire for her as long as he did.

See, Erik also had a strong libido. He wasn’t ashamed of it and had never been the type to be hesitant about what he wanted. But more than his libido, Erik had been determined. When he set his mind on something, he didn’t give a damn what got in his way. He was going to have it. And Erik had a mission when he returned to America. Shae Anderson was going to be his and there wasn’t anyone or anything that was going to get in the way of that. 

When he had returned for Shae, he had been approached, many times, by old flings and new interests. Women who approached him with lowered lashes and coy smiles, swaying their hips in a way that would catch any man’s attention. He turned each one of them down. Some with the same charm he enticed them with before and others with a firm approach. Not every girl was keen to being told no. But over time it became a reflex, a quick dismissal before having to deal with any misunderstandings or hurt feelings. He knew Shae was aware of his effect on women and she was always trying to do her best to pretend like it didn’t bother her.

How could she ever understand that her insecurities hurt him more than he could explain? That from all the women he’d been with, _she_ was the one he’d ever want to give anything to. And Erik had never been one to give something without wanting something in return. Shae had a way of making him break all his former rules and his baby girl didn’t even understand it. She looked at him with such value and pride and love, that she couldn’t see how much _she_ meant to _him_.

And situations like Riley seemed to always get in the way of that.

__________________

Erik had been with a few girls like Riley in the past. Beautiful, confident, with an attitude that told you they weren’t ashamed to go after what they wanted. And when she had approached him in the beauty supply store, he knew exactly what she wanted. He had been too familiar with the look in her eyes; and even with his gruff rebuff of her, knew that if she got the chance, she’d come for him again.

Should of fucking known it’d be at her own cousin’s party.

“Yo, you know her?”

Charlie’s question had Erik’s attention shifting to the approaching woman. He pushed out an irritated breath as he recognized her.  

“Courtney’s cousin,” he said, eying her approach.

“She been staring at you all night,” Charlie commented. “She know you got a girl?”

“Yeah,” Erik said gruffly. “She does.”

“Huh.”

Erik spared Charlie a look, who simply grinned at him in response. Charlie wasn’t unfamiliar with getting the attention of women either. And Erik knew that his relationship with Shae was something of interest to his old comrade. A bit too much, in fact.

He was going to have to check the nigga on that later.

“Hey E,” Riley said, when she approached him.

“Sup.”

It was a noncommittal response, begrudgingly given, but she smiled anyway. It was almost exhausting the amount of attention he had to ward off, especially when he wasn’t looking for it.

“Glad you could make it out,” she said, sipping lightly on her drink. “Was hoping to see you again. You’re looking real good.”

Damn, this girl was bold. Charlie was hiding his grin behind his blunt, hooded eyes watching them. Erik gave him a not so friendly look and the grin widened. That was the thing about Charlie; he hid his feelings behind grins, while Erik hid his behind scowls. Riley was ignoring Charlie, something that didn’t seem to bother the other man

“Ay, I’m gonna get a drink real quick,” Charlie said. “You want something, E?”

“Nah.”

Erik watched him leave, knowing damn well what the other man was doing. Nigga always thinking he slick. As Charlie sauntered away, Riley took his place, leaning against the wall as she faced him. She was close to him, letting her body brush against his side.

Erik took a step back, turning his body away. He let his eyes search the crowd before they landed on Shae. She was talking animatedly with Courtney and a few other people he recognized from the Centers. She laughed at something Courtney said, an act that light up her whole face.

Fuck, he loved her smile. And he could listen to her laugh for days.

“She seems to be having fun,” Riley commented. “Which is good I guess, cause she doesn’t chill out much, huh?”

It was clever, but it worked. Erik turned his attention back to her, frowning.

“The fuck is that supposed to mean?” he demanded.

Riley raised up her hands, holding her cup loosely in one.

“Chill, my cuz just said she works real hard,” Riley said. “Good work ethic and all that.”

She wasn’t wrong, so Erik kept silent, even as he scowled at her. Riley’s smile faltered slightly.

“You always this friendly?” she muttered, pouting slightly.

“You been watching me all fucking night,” he retorted. “You always stalking niggas?”

A flare of anger entered her eyes at his words and he almost smiled. She had been too self-assured. Throwing her off was starting to amuse him.

“Ok, look,” she said, shifting closer to him again. “I’m just gonna be real with you.”

Erik just looked at her, waiting to get this over with. He hadn’t outright rejected her because she hadn’t asked him anything. Not yet.

Damn. Shae must be rubbing off on him.  

“I’m sure Shae’s a sweet girl,” she said and continued quickly at the look he gave her. “And I’m not knocking that ya’ll are having fun together or whatever. But we’re all grown.”

“No.”

Riley blinked in surprise, her brows furrowing.

“No?” she demanded. “I ain’t even said anything yet.”

Erik didn’t answer and she let out breath. He figured she was smart enough to know what he was saying no to, but she was persistent.

“I’m just saying, if you’re bored, you can always hit me up.”

And there it was.

“I know how to keep my mouth shut,” she said, seeming to take his lack of response as permission to continue.

 “You don’t know what no means do you?” Erik asked, his voice sounding bored. 

There was a pause and then Riley gave a small laugh.

“Come on. You cannot be getting what you want from her.”

The irritation he had been clamping down on surged forward and Erik crossed his arms, his face darkening. Sure, had this happened been years before, he might have taken her up on her offer. He was aware that Riley was a beautiful woman and probably would have spent the night in her bed, seeing how well she ‘knew what he liked.’

But Erik wasn’t that man anymore.

“Ain’t none of your fucking business,” Erik growled.

“Look, all I’m saying is I can just put my number in your phone as like…. Mike or something,” she said and took a step forward, her fingers stroking along his bicep. “Just in case. She wouldn’t have to know. Ya’ll be good.”

Erik stared at her for a moment, silently willing himself to control his temper. She had no idea the shit he’d been through. Had no idea what he and Shae had been through. Regardless of his appetite for sex, none of his past flings or escapades had ever given him more than a physical release. With Shae, it was much more than that. Her love for him wasn’t limited to her desire for his body. She loved him, saw him, and wanted more than just that. He had never experienced sex like that; had never connected with someone that made it more than just physical.

Erik reached down and wrapped a hand around her wrist. Riley’s smile grew as she gazed at him, mistaking his careful movements as consideration.

He knew exactly what Riley wanted from him. And that was the thing; what Shae never seemed to quite get. He didn’t give a damn how many women looked at him, he only wanted woman. Because Shae was the only one who saw him as more than a good fuck.  

But Riley? She was nowhere in Shae’s league.

 “I don’t like repeating myself,” he said slowly, and watched as Riley’s smile falter. “But since you don’t know how to listen, I guess I gotta say this shit again.”

His grip tightened on her wrist as he glared down at her.

“I don’t want to fuck you. I ain’t ever gonna want to fuck you,” he said and dropped her wrist. “You ask me again and I ain’t gonna be this fucking nice.”

Riley stepped back, her eyes uncertain even as she straightened her spine.

“Puh-lease,” she snapped and kept her gaze steady on him. “I’m sure she’s ‘nice’…” she emphasized the word nice sarcastically. “But she’s probably boring as fuck, ain’t she? Don’t know how to do the things I….” 

She was always so eager to cross that line. Willing to put down Shae without even fucking knowing her.

“Careful,” Erik said, feeling that anger boiling. “That sounds a lot like you’re disrespecting her.” 

He took a step forward and she instinctively took one back at the look on his face. She likely also didn’t know that no one talked shit about Shae. Ever.

“And that shit don’t fly with me,” he said. “Shae ain’t nothing like you. Put respect on her name when you talk about her.”

And finally, he saw it in her eyes. The hurt as she realized that he was serious in his rejection. Erik had a hunch, but he figured Riley had never been turned down before. He really didn’t give a fuck that he was the first one.

“Fuck you, nigga,” she hissed at him and Erik snorted.

“That’s yo’ problem ain’t it?” he asked and titled his head at her. “Ain’t used to niggas turning you down, huh?”

Homegirl needed to learn about rejection someday. Granted, Erik had been pretty shitty the first time he got turned down, but what was Shae always saying? That rejection just means there’s room to grow or some shit like that.

Riley stiffened, her hand balling into a fist as she gazed up at him. But even then, there was a flicker of something in her eyes that made Erik want to groan. It’d be even worse if she saw him as a challenge.

“Ya’ll good?”

Charlie, who had deemed that his absence was long enough, had returned with a cup and one of those fucking grins. Riley didn’t look at him, but when Erik simply returned her gaze coolly, she huffed and stalked away. Both men watched her retreat, one with amusement the other with annoyance.

“You know,” Charlie commented as he took a sip of his drink. “Didn’t really have to go down like that.”

Erik looked at him, crossing his arms again. Charlie cocked his head at the unspoken question.

“Just saying,” Charlie said, shrugging. “You could’ve handled it. If that’s what you wanted.”

Erik sought out Shae again and she gave him a small wave when their eyes met. He flashed her a smirk and her grin widened.

“Ain’t interested,” Erik said, watching as she returned to her conversation.

“Not even a threesome?”

Erik slanted his gaze to Charlie, who winked at him.

“I meant those two,” Charlie said, leaning against the wall. “Make them both happy, if your girl was down.”

“Ain’t interested,” Erik repeated, letting Shae’s laugh draw his attention again.

“For real?” Charlie mused. “You used to.”

“Used to do a lot of shit,” Erik muttered. “Don’t want to now.”

“It ain’t boring?” Charlie asked, cocking his head. “Being with the same girl?”

Erik finally gave Charlie his full attention and the other man met his gaze evenly.

“What the fuck you trying to ask me, nigga?” he demanded.

They both understood the loaded question for what it was and Charlie took a moment to sip on his drink. Erik accepted the blunt when he handed it to him and took a drag before Charlie finally answered.

“Girls like her,” Charlie said, motioning in Shae’s direction. “They ain’t for niggas like us. You know that.”

Erik let the smoke spill from his lips casually and said nothing.

“And shit…you told her everything? And she still here? I mean…. you know something about her that I don’t?”

Charlie squinted at him as he remained silent and frowned. Erik almost grinned in triumph. It was nice to know he could still unsettle Charlie.

“She got something on you?” Charlie asked, studying him.

“Nah.”

Not really. She had his heart but he was sure that wasn’t what Charlie meant.

“You got something on her? Something you need from her?”

That was also an easy question, but again, the answer wasn’t what Charlie was looking for. Sure, Erik needed Shae. Needed her in his life. Hell, she was the only one he wanted to share his life with.

He was still trying to figure out how to propose to her and it pissed him off that it was the one thing he couldn’t build a strategy on. But that too, was none of Charlie’s business. He’d likely wouldn’t understand anyway. Erik and Charlie had a lot in common and if the roles had been reversed, he probably wouldn’t get it either. It kind of came with the territory of having a lot of fucked up things happen to you in life.

The idea of love, just love, with no ulterior motives, was a strange concept.

“Nah, nigga,” Erik said. “It ain’t a con or nothing like that. She’s just my girl.”

Charlie scowled slightly and then let his gaze drift over to Shae again. Her unawareness that she was being watched was something that always slightly annoyed Erik. Shae was passionate about of lot of things, but she wouldn’t fair well in the field. Not that he’d ever let her.

Music started blaring from the speakers around the room and Erik watched as Courtney ushered Shae onto the area that opened for them. There was a bit of goading and then with a sheepish grin, Shae began to sway her hips as she moved in sync with the beat. Despite how drunk she clearly was, her steps came effortlessly as she moved. She looked fine as fuck doing it, something that, to Erik’s great annoyance, others were picking up on too.

Some bold nigga looked like he was about to step behind her, but his eyes happened to lift to meet Erik’s, almost as if sensing him. He stiffened at the look Erik gave him and raised his hands and backed off. Erik knew the nigga recognized who he was and had been able to piece together that Shae was with him. He knew Shae hated it, but being known as his girl just made it easier for him to check niggas who thought they could step to her.

Charlie snickered next to him, amused by what had just happened. Shae, who as always, was unaware of the silent exchange and continued dancing to the delighted encouragement of Courtney. With the lights dim and the floorboards shaking, it felt like a good imitation of a club, the atmosphere hazy with the smoke of lit blunts. Shae was leading Courtney and some other girl now and when her eyes drifted to meet his, he flashed her another smirk, still smoking his blunt. She had no idea how good she looked in that fucking yellow dress, but Erik already had a few ideas of how he was going to show her.

Sure, Erik Stevens had a way with women. But in what seemed to be a series of firsts in his life, Erik only cared about one. No other woman was going to matter to Erik as much as Shae Anderson. Who, if his luck didn’t run out, would one day be Shae Stevens.

Yeah, that had a nice ring to it. 


	4. Subtle Confessions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, you need a little bit of outside urging to confess something, even to yourself.

Traveling solo in Wakanda is still a surreal experience for Erik. 

Well, he would use the word ‘solo’ loosely. He knows his movements were followed closely whenever he moved in Wakanda. He also knows that they kept close tabs on his movements in and out of the country. It didn’t matter if he was no longer in that fucking cell or in the rehabilitation center…he was still a prisoner, even if the constraints were loosened. It annoyed the hell out of him, but T’Challa insisted it was part of building trust between himself and the elders.

Still, being watched wasn’t uncommon for Erik. He knew what it was like to have eyes follow you wherever you go and had learned to ignore the scrutiny while still being aware of it. Ask any black person in America – you learned to get used to being watched. Even if you weren’t doing anything more than taking a stroll. 

It sparked Erik’s inner resentment to see suspicious looks whenever he wandered through the Golden City. It was still fresh in his mind that these people, who never knew true adversity or oppression, could be so judgmental and so closed off from others—even people who looked just like them. Erik could recognize distrust from a glance and knew that his crimes were still fresh in the minds of the Wakandan people. Ok, yeah, he knew why they didn’t trust him. And fine, he didn’t blame them, but damn, how long did it take for people to get over shit? 

T’Challa had listened to this aggravated grumbling with a side eye that would make Okoye proud. 

Whatever. 

Even with the knowledge that he was the son of Prince N’Jobu and therefore, a Prince in his own right, he was still viewed as an outsider. A traitor who had attempted to steal the throne from the rightful King. The animosity wasn’t as sharp as before, but it was still there. It was only T’Challa’s public displays of acceptance that helped ease the tension. It appeared that their respect for their King outweighed their resentment of the Fallen One. 

Or whatever the hell they were calling him nowadays. 

It’s funny. There was a part of him that actually did want the trust of the people. Before, he couldn’t give a damn. He would have ruled with fear and power – not trust. But now that he was trying to change, genuinely break through the darkness that still clouded his mind, he wanted to…well…do better. 

Safia said it was growth. Whatever it was; it was the hardest thing Erik had ever done in his life. To let go of old ways of thinking, of old belief systems? It was like he was struggling against the emptiness inside of him instead of embracing it. 

Shae made it worth it though. With those eyes of her, gazing at him as if he was the most important thing in the world. He didn’t know if she understood how much he could read from her glances, but it didn’t matter. All he knew was that when he was around her, it was easier for him to remember why he wanted to continue to grow and make changes. Why the void wasn’t as deep as he sometimes thought it was. When he finally got her to admit that she wanted him as more than a friend, the void had gotten smaller. And when he assured her that he only wanted to be with her? 

It was the happiest he could remember feeling in a while. That was a new revelation too. He never thought he’d be at peace being in a relationship. 

Perhaps that was why T’Challa seemed to have no reservations about his extended stays in America. His cousin would watch him closely upon his return to Wakanda and appeared pleased with whatever he saw. In those occasions, Erik kept his silence. He didn’t want to give T’Challa the satisfaction that he was, in fact, falling into something deeper than hate. 

And of course, it was Safia who always had a way of making him admit something he wasn’t willing to.

She found him brooding darkly in one of the smaller parks in the Wakandan capital, the sun still high in the sky. He noticed her walking towards him from his spot on the park bench, her pace unhurried. By the time she settled next to him, he had returned to absently watching the scene in front of him. A street artist was working on a mural along one of the stone walls in the park and was so engrossed in her work that she ignored his observance. Her bare arms were covered in splotches of deep purple and vibrant greens as her brush stroked along the stones in an intricate pattern. 

Safia shifted her familiar knapsack around to her front and opened it. 

“Hello, Your Grace,” she said. “How is your evening?” 

Erik just grunted in response and she smiled before pulling out a mango. She placed it in the space between them before slipping out another one and biting into it. A few moments passed in silence before he finally picked up his fruit and took his first bite. The artist took a step back and wiped the back of her hand against her cheek. She titled her head as she surveyed her work before shaking her head and bending down to stir a new color. She continued ignoring her audience, barely sparing them a glance before she straightened and went back to her piece. 

Erik and Safia continued eating in silence as the artist moved, the occasional breeze bringing brief relief to his heated skin. 

“How is your beloved doing?” Safia asked suddenly. 

Startled, Erik looked at her, the mango halfway to his lips. His look made Safia chuckle slightly.

“I meant Shae, of course,” she amended, smiling at him.

“Why did…she’s not…” 

“You are in a relationship with her, are you not?” Safia prompted, neatly taking another bite. 

“Yeah.” 

 

“And, excuse my candor, Your Grace, but you are not the type to be in such a relationship without harboring deep feelings for a person, yes?” 

He hated how much she could fucking read him. It unnerved him in a way that he would never get over. 

“You already know why I went back for her,” Erik muttered. 

“Hmm,” Safia mused. “But I wonder if you do.” 

“She’s my girl.” 

The simple answer had Safia studying him closely. Those brown eyes had a depth to him that Erik had never found anywhere else. 

“You cannot shield from love if it is already in your heart,” she said. “That is not how it works I’m afraid.” 

Erik glared at her and then looked back to the artist. She was wiping her hands on a rag now, her shirt now covered in paint. The colors sprang out from the wall, twisting in intricate patterns of purple, greens and gold. And yet, the artist still looked unsatisfied, biting her lip as she stared at the mural. 

“Does she know of your royal status?” Safia asked.

“Nah.” 

Safia hummed and he could feel her studying him. He ignored her. 

“I assume that she knows nothing of your past then.” 

Erik said nothing and continued to look forward.

“That is something you will have to tell her,” Safia said. “Especially if you are considering a future with her.” 

Erik shifted his gaze to her again, his brows furrowed. Safia was never put off by his dark looks and returned his gaze calmly. Erik shook his head and rubbed a hand through his dreads. 

“Didn’t come here for a session,” he muttered.

“No, we don’t plan when life provides us with lessons and yet they find us anyway.” 

The artist was packing up her supplies now and settled them neatly in a corner. Apparently, she had permission to keep her items here and had no concerns that they would be stolen. It was definitely a different place here. She stuffed her hands into her pockets as she strode away, her mind likely still lost in her uncompleted piece. 

Erik didn’t like this nagging feeling. The one that was pushing words to come out because he knew that Safia would listen. His time with her had shown that the old woman had genuine interest in his well-being; and not just from a civic duty. Erik was getting restless and the feeling was urging him to talk to Safia. It probably had to do with his last conversation with Shae. 

“Shae’s graduating soon,” Erik said suddenly. “Was thinking about getting her something.” 

“Oh?” Safia asked. “I’m sure she’d love that.” 

Erik said nothing and clenched and unclenched his hands as he rested his elbows on his knees. His eyes traced over the artists’ uncompleted work, trying to piece together his thoughts. He sighed. 

“She knows something’s up,” Erik said. “But she won’t ask me. She just gives me these hopeful looks. But she doesn’t press me. Not really.” 

Erik had discovered it was guilt that sat in the pit of his stomach lately. His enjoyment around Shae was dampened by that feeling. And the unspoken awareness from them both that he was hiding things from her. 

“She’s very patient then.” 

“Shit, more than you, I think sometimes.” 

Safia chuckled and nodded in acknowledgement. 

“One must develop patience especially when it comes to you, Your Grace.” 

Erik couldn’t even be mad at that and quirked his lips in a half smile. 

“And what is it you want from her?” Safia asked.

Erik frowned at the question. 

“What I mean to say,” Safia amended, “is what do you fear when it comes to telling her your truth?” 

Erik could feel the tension in his arms and shoulders. The way his throat tightened and the pain in his chest intensified. He inhaled deeply and let the breath out slowly. It was his fault for starting this fucking conversation. 

“She doesn’t come from my world,” he said slowly. “She hasn’t seen the shit I’ve seen or gone what I’ve gone through. Shae is…she’s…”

Safia said nothing and waited for him to get the rest of his words out. The tension in his body held the words at bay, but he managed. 

“I can’t…I can’t bring her into what I’ve done. She don’t deserve that.” 

“Perhaps not,” Safia said. “But you may be underestimating her feelings for you.” 

“Everyone has a breaking point,” Erik said darkly. 

“Yes,” Safia agreed. “You are not stagnant, Your Grace. Your past is a part of who you are, but you are learning to not let it define you. And if all the ways you speak of Shae are true, then she will not either.” 

“Shae ain’t like other people,” Erik insisted. “She cares too much. If she knew what I’ve done…” 

“It would take time for her, yes,” Safia agreed. “But if she truly loved you…” 

Erik snorted and straightened, rolling the tension out in his shoulders. Safia raised a brow at his reaction.

“You doubt she loves you?” 

“I don’t know if she does.” 

“Ah,” Safia said. “Do you love her?” 

“I don’t know.” 

Safia frowned at him and he scowled in response.

“I ain’t never been in love with no one before,” he snapped. “Don’t have time for that shit.” 

“Then let her go.” 

The surge of fury and pain that went through him at her simple words had Erik standing to his feet in an abrupt move. He glared down at her for a moment, his jaw working, before he turned and stalked away. This time he didn’t even notice whether people paid him any mind or not.

Let Shae go? No fucking way that would happen. He had worked too hard to…

“Your Grace!” 

Erik almost kept walking, but he didn’t want to give Safia the satisfaction of having another rage episode against him. So, he stopped and turned to face her, his hands curled into his fists at his side. 

“What?” he asked sharply.

Safia took her time to take the remaining steps to reach him and Erik felt his brow twitch. 

“You mentioned you wanted to get something for Shae’s graduation, yes?” she asked once she had stopped in front of him. 

Erik blinked at the shift in topic and Safia smiled. 

“We are standing in front of one of the more renowned jewelers in Wakanda,” she said. “This may be a good place for you.” 

Erik eyed her suspiciously, but she just moved to enter the store. He had no idea where he had been heading, let alone that he’d stop in front of this place. He was wary of the change in conversation but didn’t press it. Besides, Safia was right. He had been working out what he wanted to get Shae and since he was already here…

Muttering to himself, Erik walked inside. 

Safia was chatting with someone donned in the traditional purple robes of the merchant tribe, and per their tribal custom, wore a veil over their face to maintain anonymity during the transaction. As they chatted, Erik took his time to look around, taking in the Wakandan markings along the wall, the artwork, the designed pieces that aren’t seen anywhere in the world. The simplest item in this store would likely cost a fortune. Two other jewelers were quietly working on their pieces, heads bowed over their work. Safia gestured to him and the person turned to him. When the person spoke, he knew by the soft lilt of the voice that it was a woman. 

“Your Grace,” she said, spreading her hands deferentially. “Welcome.” 

Distrust or not, the Wakandan people also had a way of keeping appearances it seemed. The tone gave nothing away, but Erik still studied her cautiously. 

“Our Prince is looking to purchase a special piece,” Safia offered, giving Erik a look for his continued silence. 

“I see,” the woman said. “What is the occasion?” 

“It is for his...friend.” 

The platonic term made Erik’s jaw clench. It was so fucking stupid, but to hear Shae being referred to as his friend…it didn’t sit well with him. And damn it, Safia knew it. 

“Ah,” the woman said. “And this friend is…” 

Erik noticed the hesitation in her voice. She had done it on purpose. The point of neutrality was to give nothing away in a transaction; but the fact that she let something slip let Erik know how she felt about the possibility of selling him something. 

“She’s not from here,” Erik said. “You got a problem with that?” 

The woman paused for a moment, her body going still.

“We were not aware that trade has opened with other nations,” the woman replied. 

“You ain’t making it for another nation,” Erik retorted. “You’re making it for me.” 

The woman reclaimed the neutral tone of voice when she addressed him again. 

“I apologize,” she murmured. “Of course, we can make a piece for your…purposes, Your Grace. Would you prefer gold? Silver?” 

“If you make her anything, it’ll be with vibranium.” 

He spoke with an authority that he knew the woman didn’t like. He didn’t care. 

The woman turned to Safia and began speaking in Xhosa. Too bad she didn’t know Erik could understand her. But Erik kept quiet and listened. It was another habit he had picked up; people’s ignorance told you more. If she assumed he couldn’t speak the language than that was on her. 

“We cannot make something for an outsider,” the woman said. “And he wants our vibranium? I’m sure the King would not…” 

“The King has made it clear that His Grace has the authority of his royal status,” Safia replied, giving nothing away. 

“He is still an outsider!” the woman insisted. “Supposed prince or not.” 

“You know that he is N’Jobu’s son,” Safia murmured. “Even your own elder acknowledges this.” 

The woman grew silent, her hands clasped firmly in front of her. Her wardrobe could hide everything but her contempt. Growing tired of the familiar complaints, Erik shifted his focus to Safia. 

“They’re only one of the best, right?” Erik asked her.

The woman started, for his words had come out in Xhosa. She turned to him slightly, her hands dropping in apparent surprise.

“Yes, Your Grace,” Safia replied. 

“Then we’re done here,” Erik said. “Let’s go.” 

“As you wish.” 

Without a backwards glance, Erik strode out of the store, leaving the stunned silence behind him. 

“You handled that rather well,” Safia remarked as she walked next to him. “Much progress.” 

“Hnn.” 

They wandered back towards the park, taking up their earlier spots. Erik realized he liked this park because it had less traffic. Whether it was due to his presence or if it had always been this way, he didn’t know. 

“Did you know that the young woman who is painting this mural is the daughter of Wakanda’s royal jeweler?” 

Erik said nothing. Safia knew he didn’t, and he didn’t bother responding to the rhetorical question. 

“As such, he would have no choice to fulfill your requests, as you are a member of the royal family. Though, I believe he would not have any objections to it.” 

“Oh yeah?” 

“Yes,” Safia answered, unbothered by his dismissal tone. “Like his daughter, he cares more for the quality of his work than upholding outdated prejudices.” 

Erik rubbed a finger absently on his knuckles, keeping his silence. 

“That is, if you still wish to get something for Shae,” she continued after a moment. “I believe that he is really the best option. Though, I must warn you, as willing as he may be, he can be a bit cantankerous and the process may be a bit frustrating. And I wouldn't want you to go out of your way to procure such a special gift for just a simple friend. Though friendships can be important but….” 

“You got a roundabout way of making a point, you know that?” Erik muttered, cutting her off. 

Safia raised a brow, but a knowing smile was on her face. 

“And what point am I trying to make, Your Grace?” 

Erik shook his head at her teasing tone before meeting her gaze directly. 

“I ain’t admitting shit to you,” he said firmly. 

“It is not to me that such admission needs to be given,” she responded. “I simply hope you can look past your old habits to make such a realization on your own.” 

“Which is what?” he demanded. 

Safia smiled at him before rising to her feet. She gave a gentle pat on his shoulder before readjusting the strap of her knapsack. 

“I think I would like to meet Shae one day,” she told him. “She sounds like a very special young woman.” 

Erik frowned at her even as he mentally acknowledged that he was getting used to her habits of changing the subject rapidly. As he eyed her, Safia’s face smoothed to a serious expression, her dark eyes peering deep into his own. 

“Be sure you alert her to this fact, Your Grace,” she said firmly. “In whatever way you can. You may be unsure of your feelings, but one day, Shae will come to terms with her own. Make sure you are prepared for this or you may end up losing her.” 

The frown remained on his face, but his hands clenched in his lap at her perceptive warning. But the serious mood passed as she smiled brightly at him again before turning away. Erik sat stiffly, watching her take a few steps before she paused and turned to look back at him; almost as if a sudden thought occurred to her. 

“Oh, I almost forgot,” she said. “I shall have the royal jeweler call upon you. And if I were to be so bold, I’d recommend a custom piece. One that conveys what you seem unable to say yourself.” 

Erik blinked at her, his frown deepening and she grinned knowingly at him. Safia didn’t wait for a response and turned away again, following the path to the park’s entrance. Erik watched her progress until she disappeared out of sight and even then, he kept gazing ahead for a few moments. 

Something he couldn’t say himself? 

Erik released the air from his lungs in a long sigh, letting his muscles uncoil. He rubbed the back of his neck as he titled his head upwards, welcoming the familiar breeze. That Safia…. she was something else. 

Shae would love to meet her. 

Despite himself, Erik found a smile curling his lips at the thought. Between the two of them, they were making a nigga change his whole outlook on life. He thought of Shae’s smile and shook his head, though his smile grew. 

A new outlook, huh? Well, there was nothing wrong with that, right?


End file.
